Perfectly Fine

I just got off the phone. After such a long time, I once again talked to a friend who also happens to be his friend. And yes, I wasn’t able to help it. I asked about him. She doesn’t know. Last time she heard, it wasn’t good.

I asked her to text him to see if he’s alright. She refused. She was angry with him—for a lot of reasons. But after a little coaxing and a whole lot of pleading, she gave in. She teased him for missing her. He replied “kapal” and asked about her. She said she was okay and asked about him. He never replied.

Right now, as I finally found out that he’s still into destroying himself, I honestly don’t know what to feel. I felt that certain pang in my heart again. It’s been so long since I last did, but I’ll never forget the feeling. How could I? I had that pang in my heart for the longest time I know.

And I can’t believe it still hurts to know something about him. I can’t believe the pain I thought had faded away was back once more. What’s more frustrating about it is that I can’t do anything about it. I don’t understand what’s up in his head. He was a nice guy. And a very great person. He had a good heart. So what happened?

Wrong set of friends. Several Miss Wrongs. Family troubles. Insecurity attacks. Rebellious acts. That’s what happened.

I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could have been there for him. Sometimes, I blame myself. Had I been there, these wouldn’t have happened. Then again, how can I be sure? He chose that path. It’s not really my fault. I know that. But then, why does it feel this way? Why did it have to hurt me this bad?

I wish I could do something to make everything go right for him. He deserves so much more. But he never believed that. And with what’s going on in his life right now, I don’t know if he ever will.

Something good came out from our conversation though. I learned that he’s in good terms again with his high school buddies. My friend trusts that they’ll take good care of him. I just hope she’s right.

So, how am I today? I’m perfectly fine. But what does the word “fine” stand for? From the movie Italian Job, I learned that it stood for freaked out, insecure, neurotic, emotional. And yes, I couldn’t have described it any better. I am just so fine today.